


December 21: raise a glass to turnings of the season

by dizzy



Series: 2017 (the darkest timeline) daily fic advent [21]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, That week in march, Vomit, Withdrawal Symptoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 08:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13096212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Prompt:Phils perspective of anything mentioned in dan & depression(I kinda cheated; Dan didn't talk about that week in March in his actual video, but it felt close enough.)





	December 21: raise a glass to turnings of the season

"Fuck," Dan says. "Phil! Fuck." 

"What?" Phil says, walking from the kitchen into the bedroom. 

Dan is sitting on the edge of the bed in just his pants, hair a complete mess and a frantic look on his face. There are two empty boxes beside him and an empty blister pack in his hand. Phil recognizes them instantly, but it doesn't click in his head what exactly Dan is panicking about until Dan says, "Phil, what the fuck do I do, I'm out of pills." 

*

"I can't," Dan says, gasping and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Phil, I fucking can't, I can't. I'm fucking dying." 

"You're not dying," Phil says, rubbing a firm hand up and down Dan's back. He's not even sure if it helps or makes it worse, he's not sure if Dan even feels it at all but Phil needs something to do with his hands right now. 

Dan leans over the toilet and starts to retch again. Phil turns to give him some privacy, taking the cloth he's been using and re-wetting it with cool water from the tap. When Dan seems finished again he hands it over and lets Dan press it to his own face, watching with concern at the way Dan's shaking with fine tremors. 

"I think I'm done," Dan says, voice wrecked. 

"You feel better?" Phil asks, hopeful. 

Dan shakes his head. "Still feel like I'm dying. But I think I'm done with this part. For now." 

* 

Dan isn't sleeping - so Phil isn't sleeping. Even though he feels like exhaustion is etched into his bones at this point, even though he's almost delirious with how tired he is, he doesn't want Dan alone right now. 

So he sleeps when Dan sleeps; he makes food that Dan won't eat; he plays soothing music until Dan stops crying. In his loopiness he wonders if this is what having children will be like, and he thinks maybe when Dan's feeling better he'll let Dan in on that joke. 

*

They have to look at flats. 

Phil offers to go alone, but Dan says no. They've got to settle on something within the week, staying where they are isn't an option anymore. 

This was supposed to be the fun part. Last time they were flat hunting, they were broke and didn't have a lot of room to be picky. This time they've got money and they were supposed to have time, they were supposed to have the luxury of a must-have list and an absolutely-not list.

And they do, still, technically. But there's no way to enjoy a careful perusal of rooms when Dan has to hold onto the wall to stop from falling over and keeps losing track of what the real estate agent is saying. Each viewing is perfunctory and Dan falls asleep in the car on the way home, waking only to give Phil a terrified look. 

Phil tells the driver to stop and let them out, and he gets Dan to the nearest Starbucks. He's sure two grown men going into one locking toilet looks strange together, but all he cares about is that the door is shut and locked before Dan loses the fight against his stomach. He doesn't entirely manage to make it in the toilet, but at least no one can see. 

When he's finished, he rinses his mouth out and then turns to look at Phil with red rimmed eyes and an unnaturally pale, splotchy expression. "I've gotta clean that up," he says. 

"No, you don't." Phil reaches out and fixes Dan's hair for him. "I'll do it. No, hush, don't give me that look. How many times have you looked after me when I've been ill in a car or motion sick? It's just my turn, that's all. Go order yourself a tea, and get me a coffee, then sit down down for a bit. I'll sort this out and we can get another car the rest of the way home." 

"Phil." Dan's voice sounds absolutely shattered, but he doesn't argue. 

*

Dan rests with his head on Phil's shoulder. 

They're halfway through the second season of Buffy. They've spent so many hours in bed over the past week. Dan keeps saying he doesn't even care what they're watching, he just doesn't want to be alone - except the moments when he suddenly does and gets up to pace around the flat or go for an actual walk. 

Phil lets him, for the most part. He lets Dan do whatever Dan feels like doing, because Dan's fighting enough of a battle in his own head and with his own body right now for Phil to want to make anything more difficult for him. 

*

They film, because they have to film. The same way Dan had to do a liveshow, the way they had to attend meetings, the way they have to submit proof of life to the ever-hungry monster of an audience they both command and are commanded by. 

He picks an easy game. Dan's doing better and better every day, Dan's the one that swore he was up to this, but Phil feels like being careful for the both of them. 

But Dan actually does seem fine - if not up to his normal level of energy then at least able to fake it well enough for an audience. He even asks Phil if there's a second video they could do, and he makes it through the second one just as well. After another half hour, Dan's face is red and he's sweating a bit but he hasn't complained. 

He reaches over and turns the camera off. "You made it," he says proudly, smiling at Dan. 

He expects Dan to be happy, to be relieved. They can make these videos last long enough for Dan to have his pills back. They've jumped the last major obstacle this road block put in front of them. 

But Dan just rubs his face with his hands and slumps forward. "I think I want off the medicine."

"What?" Phil is shocked. "Dan, you can't just-"

Dan can't. Dan can't, because Phil can't - he can't do this, and maybe it's a selfish gut reaction, but it's the truth. Neither of them can keep doing this. 

"Not now. I'll go back, like, for now. But my therapist has already said a couple times that I might be ready for a lower dosage. Phil, I never want to go through this again, I don't care how much work it takes to handle things on my own. I can't go through this again." Dan looks up at Phil and he's blinking rapidly. 

Dan's cried a lot in the past week. He's yelled a lot, too. He's locked himself in his room and he's generally been prickly and difficult and needy and Phil is not sure about this at all and he wants to argue because this is Dan, it's Dan's head and Dan's heart and Dan's journey and Dan's decisions, but it's also Phil's life. 

But he swallows back his misgivings and says, "You should talk to your therapist, then. See what she's got to say."

* 

It takes a while for the medicine to get back into Dan's system. 

Dan says he hates it, because he almost feels better for the withdrawal, but Dan's therapist thinks he needs a few months to prepare for going off them completely. When the time comes, she promises, they'll wean him down slowly and there won't be a withdrawal. 

Phil is terrified. He's terrified of going back to living every day with a person who feels like a shadow. He loves Dan no matter what, he loves Dan at his best and his worst, and he'll play the optimist to Dan's moments of insecurity but deep down he knows he doesn't want to trade the person that therapy and medication have made Dan into for the sad, scared, empty person Dan sometimes became before. 

But for now Dan takes his medicine and he spends one last anxious day unable to focus on anything and then, like magic - Dan finally sleeps. 

He sleeps, and sleeps, and sleeps. For the first ten or so hours, Phil sleeps too, but then Phil wakes up and he stretches and he knows he's ready to start his day. First he watches Dan some and then he takes a shower and does a grocery order and answers emails and enjoys solitude as a certain kind of bliss, the kind he knows is not open-ended. 

When the work is taken care of and he's on his second cup of coffee, he opens the folder of printouts and informational leaflets that Dan brought home from his therapist the day before and starts to read.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [tumblr](http://alittledizzy.tumblr.com)! or [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/alittledizzy)! or don't! your choice! happy holidays!


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